The 41st edition of golf’s Ryder Cup is on our doorstep, with Europe hoping to make it four victories in a row in Hazeltine on Sunday.
That’s all well and good, but surely there are better ways to settle the rivalry between Europe and the US? We’ve made some selections based on cultural contributions, popularity and Ryder Cup compatibility.
The question remains: who wins?
Battle of the Bands
Guns N’ Roses, Kiss, Metallica v Abba, The Beatles, Sigur Ros
Quite the contrast here, with the heavyweight noise of Team USA taking on the more melodic sounding Team Europe. Hey Jude, Hoppipolla, and Dancing Queen are examples of Team Europe’s pedigree, but we reckon Team USA would smash this through sheer volume.
The Ryder Cup is all about emotion, passion and above all, noise, so Sweet Child O’ Mine, Rock and Roll All Nite and Master of Puppets will basically do the job.
USA 1-0 Europe
Chocolate Bars
Snickers, Twix, Hershey Bar v Toblerone, Yorkie, Kinder Bueno
More of the same here from Team USA, whose all-star cast tick many boxes, but hear us out when we say Team Europe nabs this one.
With our selection we’ve demonstrated the variety of European chocolate, not to mention the superior quality of the chocolate itself. We would like to dedicate this delicious victory to Nestle.
USA 1-1 Europe
Landmarks
Statue of Liberty, Mount Rushmore, Grand Canyon v Eiffel Tower, Sagrada Familia, Colosseum
Phew, what a list. The USA is chock-full of landmarks, including a whole bunch of the most famous in the western world. The Statue of Liberty is iconic, Mount Rushmore a monument to the country’s brief history, and the Grand Canyon a reminder that in terms of nature, the USA is up there with the best.
But it’s Europe’s rich cultural heritage that takes it into a 2-1 lead on this occasion. History, beauty and splendour; another win for Europe.
USA 1-2 Europe
Facial Hair
Abraham Lincoln, Tom Selleck, ZZ Top v Plato, Andrew ‘Beef’ Johnston, Brian Blessed
Wow. Where to begin? What a selection.
From politics to the big screen, philosophy to golf itself, we’ve got some great beards and one of the finest moustaches known to mankind: Tom Selleck, good job.
And maybe it’s that ‘tache that swings it in Team USA’s favour to make it 2-2. The range on offer in the American team is too much for what is a fine collection of cultural beards in Team Europe.
USA 2-2 Europe
Writers
Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Toni Morrison vDante, Homer, William Shakespeare
And so with the scores tied at 2-2, it all comes down to the writers. It’s the Old Man and the Sea v Jane Eyre; The Adventures of Tom Sawyer head to head with Homer’s The Odyssey; Romeo and Juliet taking on Toni Morrison’s Sula.
You know where this is going. There’s no separating these teams, whose cultural contributions and famed writing makes them all winners in our eyes. Ryder Cup medals for everyone.
Final score: USA 3-3 Europe
