Entertainment

BREAKING: Sacha Baron Cohen Sexually Humiliated Me & Gave Me a Brain Tumor

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By Mahbod Moghadam

Growing up as an Ethnic Persian, I’ve always had a tendency towards a considerable degree of sexual guilt. I like to make internet sex jokes, but there are very dark, deep and dirty ideas which keep me sexually ashamed.

The main one of these is perfectly legitimate: hygiene. I think it is absolutely horrifying for me to:

  • Wear strange bathing suits or underwear.
  • Stick any dirty object into my underwear.

This is a huge phobia, and I think it’s legit. I have a huge fear of urinary tract infections or yeast infections, and the horror of doing anything like this makes me feel impossibly dirty.

In 2017, Sacha Baron Cohen pranked me to be on his show. I 100% believed his story. He said he was an Italian billionaire, who is best friends with Bill Gates, and he wanted me and Everipedia to be on a huge Italian variety show which was shown nationally. At the time, Everipedia had raised about $500K, so I was extremely happy to be on the show with Bill Gates. He also said the show would feature Gordon Ramsay and Bono. They sent a limo for me to a studio in Burbank, which I figured was very luxurious for a TV show.

When I arrived at the studio, they asked to take away my phone. I didn’t think it was a big deal. They asked me to sign some papers and I said sure. When I entered the studio, there was the weird Italian billionaire and his Italian girlfriend. They were very garrulous but seemed friendly.

After a 5 minute interview about Everipedia, they asked me to dance. I have no problem dancing, I like to dance. The Italian guy was weird and asked me to “act black”, which I thought was a strange Italian way of asking me to hip-hop dance. I wanted to please him, and make for some good Italian TV, so I threw up the Bloods sign. At this point he and his girlfriend were being pretty pushy – but I thought they are directing me. They know what Italians want. I was a child actor from age 8 to 13 and I want to make my audience happy.

I founded the company Rap Genius, a site dedicated to the interpretation of rap lyrics. Nas and Pharrell were Rap Genius angel investors. For some weird, fucked up reason, hipster Brooklyn sites like Gawker (RIP) have called me racist because I appropriate black culture, even though I’m a poor immigrant non-white minority.

That was the gist of Sacha’s Italian “act black” joke – he was using the same trope that Gawker had used against me in 2013 – the first time I got a brain tumor.

But after the “act black” dance joke, what Sacha did to me was much, much worse. I had no idea that it was a prank, and afterward, I went home and cried for hours. I took a three-hour shower and felt impossibly dirty. I believe that I was sexually violated – to some, it seems like a joke on TV, but for me, it was horrifying, humiliating, and I believe it caused my brain tumor to reappear just 3 weeks later.

The second prank was to have me wear a dirty bathing suit and stick a foreign object into my underwear on a green screen, to simulate the Italian billionaire giving aid to Africa. The “act black” dance had turned pretty aggressive, had lasted some minutes, and I started to get exhausted.

I went in front of the green screen, but then, Sacha and his girlfriend insisted on one thing. They said that I’d have to go change into a bathing suit. I was truly disgusted and I said no. I went and checked the dressing room they told me to go to – the bathing suits smelled very bad, and were very tight (the one I chose was the least tight).

I said that I didn’t want to change into a bathing suit. Here, the Italian billionaire had a change of heart. He got very, very angry, and threatened to not have me on the show. He said that Bill Gates would be very upset. I was really scared and I was all alone, so I acquiesced. I forced myself to change into his bathing suit.

After I wore the skimpy suit, the green screen turned into a humiliating set of gimmicks. I was forced to carry a Sonicare toothbrush and other strange items that were, presumably, sponsors of the Italian variety show. My body was starting to get very stressed and uncomfortable, and I also felt very dirty in the skimpy bathing suit.

Then, the Italian billionaire said that I had to stick a baby’s arm in my pants.

This was the most disgusting, horrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I insisted no. This is something that has been in a nightmare for me.

The Italian billionaire completely changed face. The change that came over Sacha’s personality, at this point, is sick, predatory, and psychologically devious. He suddenly turned into a monster. He yelled that if I don’t put the thing in my pants, it won’t be something that will be liked by Italian culture and that he wouldn’t have me on the show.

I was horrified, but I was also so afraid. What I kept telling myself was that – even this guy was a weirdo Italian billionaire, he was also a genius director, like Woody Allen. He really insisted that he wanted the thing inside of my pants, even if it absolutely disgusted me.

I acquiesced.

There were actually two babies’ arms, and and that point it became all a blur. I felt like I was seeing visions, and it felt like I became a passive fish. I became raped.

The strange thing is, there was no goodbye to the Italian billionaire. I thought we would wind down and exchange intros with Bill Gates. His girlfriend was not to be found either – after the green screen, I was led to the dressing room to change back into my clothes. There was a limo waiting to take me back to my office.

In the limo, I cried. I had no idea that it was a prank, but I remember thinking how quickly I wanted to go wash my crotch and ass with soap. When I went home I called my sister and my mom, and then I took a shower that was over an hour long.

As a parting gift for the taping, they had given me a plaque that misspelled my name: MAHBOD MAGHADAN: Tech Guru of the Year.

Taping

My episode of “Who is America” aired about a year after taping. Since then, Everipedia had gone from raising $500K to over $30 million dollars and hiring the co-founder of Wikipedia, Larry Sanger, as Chief Information Officer.

The first warning I got that the prank was airing was via Twitter. I was chilling with my friend at Cafe Gratitude and Twitter exploded. I was shocked because I only had my phone, not a computer. A lot of Brooklyn people were yelling at me on Twitter and calling me racist.

My friend immediately wanted to watch the show – he was jiggering with his Netflix – but I couldn’t watch the show. I was too horrified. The majority of people telling me about the show in the Twittersphere seemed like trolls, but they seemed to be in good fun – the message I gleaned was that I was pranked and I should take a joke. But for now, even though it was up on Youtube in just a couple of hours, I absolutely couldn’t watch the show.

I was deeply humiliated about the show and tried to keep it hidden, to myself. The show aired Wednesday, and I was waiting to go home on Friday – Shabbat – to hold hand with my sisters and watch “Who Is America?” with my family.

On Friday, my sisters told me that they refused to watch “Who Is America?” with me. It really meant a lot to me to watch it with them, but they said they were too ashamed to watch the show. It felt really Persian – like I had sullied my family’s Honor.

My family’s reaction to my humiliation – my sexual violation – sent me into a deep depression. I couldn’t get out of it. I felt like this was a typical Persian reaction: rather than letting me join with my family and speak out, my sisters were shaming me and keeping it a secret. I love my sisters very much and they are my truest friends. I hope I can convince them – but at the time it caused my deepest depression and hurt me so much.

The only person who ended up watching the show with me was my mom when I dropped her off at her house after Shabbat. It was very late at night and I was deeply humiliated – she was too – but she was the only one who was brave enough to watch it with me. But my family still – especially my sisters – hurt me too much. They both have daughters – my nieces – and I didn’t want their children to be subjected to a similar humiliating treatment.

3 weeks later, I had the first epileptic seizures I ever had in my life, and I needed to go to the hospital. An MRI discovered that I had had a recent brain tumor, which seems to have rapidly grown. I was operated a week later and I am presently one week away from brain surgery.

Lawsuit

A week before my brain tumor was discovered, I had a conversation with Charles Harder, the lawyer who took down Gawker with Hulk Hogan and Peter Thiel in 2016. I met Harder at my friend’s party by pure serendipity, a couple of months before “Who Is America?” was released. I was transfixed by this man. I asked him for Gawker war stories. Harder is a hero for me – Gawker, similar to Hulk Hogan, was bullying me with no newsworthy pretext. I felt like Harder, Hulk Hogan and Thiel had avenged me.

2013 was not as humiliating and horrifying as “Who Is America?” in 2018, where it caused my brain tumor to grow weeks later. But Gawker started picking on me about 6 months before my hand shook and my first, 2013 brain tumor grew (so far I’ve had 2 tumors) – so I was grateful to Harder for destroying them.

At the party, he told me so many stories – they were amazing. Deep down, I wish I could work for him as an Associate Attorney.

I had a phone call with Harder 2 weeks before the seizures and brain tumor – a week after “Who Is America?” aired – and he told me I had a good case. He told me that he has a very strong case and that he is already suing a client against Cohen, where the case is in trial.

I haven’t spoken to Harder yet – but keep in mind – this was before Cohen caused my brain tumor, and he said I have a good case.

However, I had to pay around $2 million dollars for Harder to sue Cohen. Defamation lawyers, especially all-stars like Harder, get paid up front, not on contingency.

I am pretty well off from Rap Genius and Everipedia, but there is no way I can afford $2 million in cash for a lawsuit. Even Hulk friggin Hogan couldn’t afford $2 million to sue Gawker, which is why billionaire Peter Thiel supported him.

Sacha Baron Cohen defrauded, raped and humiliated me. He lied to me and told me that my billionaire Italian host is friends with Bill Gates, and that I needed to demo Everipedia on his variety show. He forced me to put on a bathing suit – which I find unspeakably dirty, due to a phobia – and then forced me to stick objects into my underwear, in front of my penis. This was a horrifying circumstance – I sincerely believe that it caused my tumor to grow, and for me to have epileptic seizure, some weeks later.

Republican asshole Roy Moore is suing Cohen for $100 million – I want to sue Cohen for $1 billion dollars. Please help me out! I need this story to go viral, I need to find a billionaire Peter Thiel sponsor to end this lying cancer of society.

Aftermath

I went to Stanford Law School, and my dream as a child was to be President of the United States. I was the only person born in the U.S. in my family.

Gawker destroyed my prospects to run for President in 2013. The other thing I deeply, deeply wanted was a Wikipedia page. In 2013, someone made a Wikipedia page about me – and Wikipedia deleted it. They said I’m not important enough. This is what caused my passion to launch Everipedia in 2015 – to have my own page.

There are only around a million “living person” biographies on all of Wikipedia, out of 6 billion people.

In 2018, Sacha Baron Cohen finally earned me my Wikipedia page. Two things: first, it is way shittier than my Everipedia page. Secondly, it was earned for me – my dream, my greatest honor – because of my violation and my shame.

After my brain surgery, I feel I’ve had a Great Awakening. I’m not going to be ashamed of “Who Is America?”. I’m not going to suffer silently and take the joke. I want to end the cancer that is Sacha Baron Cohen, just as Hulk Hogan ended Gawker. In 50 years from now, I want the Gawker and Cohen case to be taught in law schools.

I can’t ever become President – although I guess Trump actually fucked that up, come to think of it… – but I want to change society. Sorry to be corny, I just had brain surgery last week: I want to eliminate Cohen, and make society a better place.

Find Mahbod on Twitter. 

 

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